Monday, March 29, 2010

I havent blogged in ages. But today, as i worshipped. I felt God really speak to me. He revealed to me a chapter i never truly had understanding off.

Last night i was speaking to my cousin during dinner. She told me how much her boy meant to her, and how she could not lose him. I remembered, for three and a half plus years, i felt exactly the same about Julie. Than tragedy happened. We actually broke up. I remembered i missed her and wanted her back so much. During that time, the Holy Spirit was my comforter. As i sought after Him, as i trusted Him. God worked a miracle, even faraway in Thailand, circumstances swung in my favour, eventually i won her back. And i realised, my relationship with Julie is a subset of my relationship and walk with God, His vision, purpose & direction for my life. Not the other way round.

So this verse came to my mind. "He who finds his life will lose it, and he who loses his life for My sake will find it." We, or at least i used to wonder, does that mean i m gonna be a martyr, or someone is gonna stone me to death for my beliefs and i m gonna receive reward in heaven or i m gonna amazingly be resurrected by the power of God? I realise today, its more about consecration than anything else. I spent years of my life, holding on to things, chasing things that i could so easily have lost to circumstances, change, time. I m under no illusions, these things happen in life. Not that i dont love them or treasure the people & possessions that i have been blessed with, but i acknowledge i might not have them forever. But when i turned to Him, offered it all up to Him, i received more than i could ever imagine. Wad i could not understand as a 17 year old, i finally undertood.

So i decided to read the part of Matthew chapter 10 which this verse appeared in. The next part, was new to me.

Do not think that I came to bring peace on earth. I did not come to bring peace but a sword. For I have come to ‘set a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law’; and ‘a man’s enemies will be those of his own household.’[e] He who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me. And he who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me. And he who does not take his cross and follow after Me is not worthy of Me. He who finds his life will lose it, and he who loses his life for My sake will find it.

Maybe some of us used to think. These verses mean, after i become a christian, i will ignore my parents & wad they say because they will become our enemies. I will listen to God and no one else. Or that becoming a christian will estrange ourselves from our family and we must go far far away to pursue wad God wants us to pursue. BUT that is completely utter rubbish.

When we live for Christ, we start to chase visions and dreams. Wad this passage presents instead is the realism and a foreword, that sometimes those closest to us, can be those hu least support us, because they do not understand. Just because they dont, doesnt mean that we abandon our dreams, abandon our vision, abandon our purpose.

Does that mean, we argue, scream, shout, run away from home then? Certainly not! We read on and it says 'he who does not take his cross and follow after Me is not worthy of Me.' Then we go, God, ur really funny. Or singaporeans would go, God, you very funny leh. Wad do u mean, first my family is my enemy, and if i love them more than u, i m not worthy, now dont carry cross also not worthy. HUH?! we dont understand.

Wad the word says is that, those closest to us, those hu mean alot to us, will not always understand when we pursue the dreams, visions & purpose that God has set for us. For us to abandon our dreams because of that, is something we shouldnt do. However, we dont come against those closest to us. But rather, carrying the cross is carrying the burden and hardship of loving Him fervently and loving people wholeheartedly. Its a tough thing to do, that we can only accomplish through His grace and strength. Each day, we continue to pursue our dreams, our visions and purpose, we continue to love those closest to us, respect those closest to us, build relationships with those close to us, even when they do not understand, even when they do not support us. and like Jesus, we strive on, carrying the cross, we strive on, to win their support, to win their salvation, the way Jesus won our hearts.

|cowpoo| 1:06 PM|

------ Wednesday, February 03, 2010

well. i m thinking that i shud really start using the book that jiaxuan got us. so i shall add in my first 3 writings soon. Zep 3, Phil 2, Col 3 and finally today, Luke 14:27.

Somehow or rather. I always go back to this. Throw it in with the song Gethsamane. Through the months of prayer and fasting. i felt God give me a burden for society. especially the youth to those approaching early adulthood who are in the midst of the defining moments or the prime period of their lives.

But i feel that if i m ever gonna be able to live out this calling to impact them. I really gotta take up the cross and deny. Two really key words. Cross and deny. Both i realise, i m not entirely good at. Cross -> loving God and loving people. the burden of doing so, has never been one thats occurred to me. thats why my social circle is large but my inner circle is minute. my self formed busy schedules and fatigue always take me away from spending time with God. Deny. the things that i really like, keeping my cash to myself, certain pleasures that i constantly struggle with, lust, yes masturbation. i know they always rob me from my anointing, my power and my purpose. it seems like every time i engage in something i shouldnt be doing, i feel weak and restless after. then it leads me to my inability to do the former [Cross] and its all a vicious cycle.

but i listened to the song. and these lyrics remind me.
"Surrendered completely,
I find that I'm free
All that this world can hold
Will never hold me."

there is hope yet :)

"But above all these things put on love, which is the bond of perfection. And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which also you were called in one body; and be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom, teaching and admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord. And whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him."
-Colossians 3:14-17

|cowpoo| 11:29 AM|

------ Saturday, January 02, 2010

how about a blog post on the second day of the new year!

lol. 2010 is gonna be my ord year. about time man. so totally cant wait. say goodbye to regimentation and hello to freedom!!

i didnt really have an ideal start to 2010. but each year is like a marathon. with high points and low points. as long as i focus on the goal and know that i m gonna get there. i ll just try my very best to make the most out of my process. i learned this last year and i wanna emphasize this once again. the end of a thing is always better than its beginning.

personally. i had a good time yesterday. when i first came. i pretty much thought the same way. i miss my old cell. these people have a different frequency. i dont feel like its my place. to me. all the more i gotta do something to holler at them and tell them "HEY PEOPLE!! I M IN DA HAUS!!" everyone always starts off as a nobody, especially in a new place and new people. if we find people that we can instantly click with, praise the Lord. but more often than not, it takes some time, some searching, some biting the bullet, hell load of adjustment and effort. maybe it all goes down to the fact that people react differently to things. for me, i was probably so starved socially in the early part of my life. i think all i needed was some direction, confidence and assurance to pursue that. liken it to the way i run. i may be dead shagged. but when i know that i m within touching distance of my goal, i like to sprint all i can. maybe others, they rather slow down the walk since they have already expounded so much energy and think its a matter of time before they get to the finish anyway. others maybe, they like to maintain a constant speed but they run faster than me on a consistent basis.

i hate army. but BMT always taught me. life doesnt always give u the luxury of time nor comfort. when i was there, i felt the people thought and behaved so differently from wad i was used to. idiotic, annoying or just plain different in preferences and lifestyle. i didnt like them, i didnt like it. worst bit, i was unfit so the activities around me made it even more difficult. i hardly contributed. after the first 3 days i even stopped trying to make friends. each time i went in, there was only one thought in my mind, the moment where i could finally depart from the company of these people. when i was told that our command school opportunities would be determined based on our performances, as well as our commander and peer appraisal, i was thinking, i was unfit when i came in, and i had to put in so much effort to achieve wad seemed so easy to everyone else. i was anonymous during my time here, people can barely remember me saying or doing anything significant. even the tug of war competition i was training for, i didnt attend it in the end cus i was on attend C. throw in my knee injury. that was how i ended up in 30 SCE. eventually i woke up and God blessed me with my current job.

but i have always considered. how different would it have been if i had gone to command school. i realised that relationships are the key to life. relationships first, performance later. i missed the boat cus i was forgettable, cus i decided that i was gonna be anti-social and negative. i always look at the officers around me. they get to plan things that are upscale. a certain person hu was my fellow exco memeber in council. he speaks to officers like an equal. officers speak to me like i m a small fry. he gets to handle things like being a part of planning more than just school camps and events. liaising with people in the real working world.

true i made the most out of my situation. but i will always wonder wad could have been. i miss the boat cus i chose wrongly.

my senior once said this to me that made me realize everything that happens, is my choice. i was j1 then.
he asked me, "why didnt u come to ACJC."
i was like, "they didnt wanna accept me."
he said "why? wad did u get?"
i replied "15 points, but minus cca and affiliation its 11 but ah wells."
and he then said "well. it was your choice in the end."
i was alittle agitated "WAD! why is it my choice. ACJC didnt accept me. its not like i didnt want to go there!"
and this line struck me the most "ya. you could have studied harder instead of playing wc3. in studying less than u shud have, u chose not to come to ACJC."

that exchange left me thinking and left me speechless. my bmt experience coupled with looking at the opportunities these officers get to grow in stature, especially those whom i considered my equals in jc. i told myself, if its cus of adaptation, people and relationships. i never want to miss the boat again.

|cowpoo| 1:56 PM|

------ Sunday, December 20, 2009

A very good evening to you all. To all my dearest readers. Haha. Few of you there may be. I would like to apologise for going AWOL on my blog. the lack of affordable internet access during my trip to thailand and being an extremely busy man enjoying my family gatherings and recent birthday celebrations, as well as a new found, steadily decreasing, mild addiction to dota. no thanks to the time spent playing in cresendo which i counted was only 6 hours btw. much less i m sure than everyone else hus pro enough to get at least 2 kills a game. lol.

well. first and foremost. my trip to thailand. this one was way way more tiring than the last. and i guess i totally lost my belief in the systems and the people hu run it. i had some fun here and there. i tried the food from those roadside little village stalls, gotta love the kuah chap with pigs blood [sounds gross, tastes awesome!], chicken plus roast pork plus char siew with rice with super imba chili garlic sauce, minced pork rice with loads of chili padi, coconut ice cream, mango glutinous rice. no wonder i gained 2 kg. did some shopping at Sai Yok Waterfall, Floating Market and Future Park, got quite abit of accessories. haha. not enough time tho. would really like to visit these places myself one day. those moments aside. i was pretty much sick of being ordered around by people hu are my superiors but technically not my bosses, being treated like wad i say is stupid even tho they end up following my proposed solutions anyway. thank God thats the last big thing that i ll have to do during my time as a COPA. apart from the 26th of Dec to 2nd of Jan minus, 27th Dec, New Year's Eve and New Year's Day. i dont envisage myself spending more than 2 consecutive days in camp anymore.

anyway. since i got back really really late on the 8th. its been a blast!! my dearest Julie Ong greeted me at the airport!!

9th - Met Baby for lunch!! We had cheap and good rice!! now that i m blogging about it, i feel like having it again. haha.

10th & 11th - Had a driving lesson the first time in 4 weeks in the morning in the 10th. Went up to the PA Bungalow after. A yearly family thing where my uncle books it for a week so the family can get together. Heh. Went cycling alittle, recee-ed nice places along Pasir Ris Park, had a BBQ on the second night before i headed home! Had an outrageous and ridiculous soccer game with my cousins on the little grass patch as well. haha.

12th & 13th - Baby was coming up to hang out with me. So i met her at Kallang in the morning. We went down, bought newspapers [for some weird reason, the life sections was missing and we had 2 classifieds] and bread. hung out till we had TURKEY for lunch. haha. before we went off with my cousins to bowl and have bubble tea before a cycling session in the evening. baby spent the night and we shared the room with my grandma. haha. i was nice to wake up to her beside me. somewhat warm and fuzzy. or wen xing if u wanna say it in chinese. we went off to church on sunday evening before we had a meeting to discuss our cell appreciation. headed off to chinatown to get a plier for earrings [cus the silly girl realized that the metal parts off the wooden earrings i got her from thailand had rusted so she wanted to DIY replace them] i love her for always making the most out of was she has. had my first taste of KOI bubble tea.

14th - Met baby and we went off to have pepper lunch. Heh. Shopped alittle. After that i headed to secret recipe to get a cake for my cousin cus i couldnt join her for lunch. lol. i ended up being dragged to play some arcade games with her. haha. wadever made her happy la. but i got totally thrashed. haha. fancy a 20 year old being thrashed by a 11 year old.

15th - Pretty much slacked and recuperated at home for most of the day. Heh. Had a run in the morning tho. Went off to meet Sarah in the evening before we both headed for the Council BBQ. Most of the guys already ORD-ed. haha. patiently awaiting my turn. nevertheless. it was good to see the whole lot of them again. personally for me, i was never that close to my council members. and it felt awkward from time to time, even for the so called 'friendlier guys' like me. but i guess frens are great to have and u ll never make progress if u dont take steps. overall it was good. haha. even tho the rain killed our chances of BBQ and we had stir fried stuff instead.

16th - Once again, i spent the day at home resting. Threw in some time to exercise as well. Gotta increase my intensity to shed the kilos from Thailand. Went off to California Pizza Kitchen to have dinner with my aunts and my cousins. Haha. We had a great evening. I hung out with my cousins after that at cine. Its funny how we can all go out together and have fun even tho our ages are like 11, 14, 16, 20 and 30. but its all family and it was nice. the sedona torilla soup at CPK is really good. haha.

17th - I was at home in the morning before i went to meet Baby at Zara Liat Towers at 2pm. Heh. Last day of her internship and she was proudly showing me the excellent grade she got for her time in Club21. i m so proud of her for giving it her best and her all even tho it was cold and tough!! heh. we walked around Ion, spotted some nice clothes for me to splash my cash and Topman cus they were on 1/2 price sale. haha. but we sped off to Lido to catch Avatar. It was an awesome show. I really liked it. The CGI created loads of interesting animals and that kinda world so serene and beautiful just sucks u into it. But the CGI didnt interfere with the quality of the storyline which i thought was a pretty good way to spend 2 hours and 45 mins. haha. when Jake Sully said he fell in love the forest. i think at that point in time, so did most of us. I had buttered popcorn too!! which baby so nicely accomodated, saved some cash on the drinks and we had liang cha from home instead. the show was great. the company, was even more awesome. heh. we went to far east after to look for a cross her my baby's cousin Alex, but we didnt find any. and baby finally got me a bag. $149 from zara. i paid for 1/5 cus baby was on budget. but i was really touched cus baby doesnt usually spend that kinda money on me or herself for that matter or anyone. i really love the bag dear. LOL. i love it so much and i find it so nice that i she bu de carry it out and let the dirt in the air corrupt its newness. thanks babe!! In the end, we headed down to 313 Somerset for dinner. lol. we wanted marche but the queue was madness. literally, 30 plus people!! so we took off to vivo instead. heh. and the queue. there was no queue. even tho we only spent $33 on a budget dinner, the crepe and the rosti's along with salad and tomato basil soup was excellent. good value for money. haha. i was considering the meat. but i was thinking, i have a meat buffet with jared and matt coming up so, we ll take the crepe. heh. the blood orange apple juice was really nice as well. we hung around vivo. took photos. talked and spent some quality time together. i really enjoyed it. heh. finally around 11 plus. the mall was gonna close, so we went down to the riverside where baby presented me with 5 home baked cupcakes and a birthday song at 12 am sharp!! heh. baby's dad came over and she drove me back at 12 plus. it was an awesome way to start 18 December 2009!

18th - lol. i woke up to an empty house cus my parents were off for half a day's of work. baby. came down to meet me at zara where i bought my jacket [which i sadly returned in the end cus M was too tight and L was too long :(] we checked out perlini silver for a cross for Alex before i headed down to meet my parents in town while Julie went to meet her fren, Audrey for New Moon LOL. i had lunch at the Old Raffles Hotel near City Hall. according to my dad, its call China Palace or sth. haha. but the set lunch was awesome!! from the pork seaweed soup, to the tim sum, the oriental chicken and char siew, to the olive fried rice and the fish. hearty and awesome. haha. went down the shaw isetan with my mom to look for my pair of converse shoes. couldnt find it. silly salegirl had a really bad attitude. my mom was quite peeved with her. haha. in the end. i went down to bugis to get my shoes instead. my dad paid for it!! haha. awesome stuff!! totally unexpected!! i thought he would have asked me to pay for it myself since her already gave me an ang pao. haha. went back home. initially i kept friday night free cus i thought we would have cell group. i only knew cgm was off on the day itself and i told my parents i had evening plans. so i decided to meet baby!! heh. i was hoping jac and reagan would join us but they were too late and tired by the time they returned from JB. haha. they were celebrating jac's mom's birthday. heh. awesome day to celebrate a birthday. so baby and i went to eat at waruku before we headed down to wisma and then finally, we ended up at bugis cus i had to change the defective aldo accessories i bought earlier in the day. heh. visited diva where baby was memorized by the elephant accesories. lol. she was going crazy and she kept telling me how cute they all were. haha. i got u the ring from diva at vivo today dear!! we looked around topman. we sat at the fountain and admired the christmas tree for abit before we decided to take a look at the silver corner for couple rings. unfortunately, the designs we liked were out of sizes. rarr. next time i guess. it would have been nice to get rings to mark a new start and a different dimension as well as level in our relationship since i so stupidly and till today still kick myself over it, threw away the last one. ah wells. we went off to get a drink after before baby decided that she would come over to my area and take the bus home. i had a really nice time with her. heh. she started it awesome!! my parents took it up afew notches!! baby gave it a grandstand finish!! haha.

now i m lazy. tired and shagged. haha. so i shall continue blogging tmr!! cheers you people!!

|cowpoo| 9:46 PM|

------ Thursday, November 19, 2009

You say you gotta go and find yourself
You say that you're becoming someone else
Don't recognize the face in the mirror looking back at you

You say you're leaving as you look away
I know there's really nothing left to say
Just know I'm here whenever you need me I'll wait for you

So I'll let you go, I'll set you free
And when you've seen what you need to see
When you find you, come back to me

Take your time, I won't go anywhere
Picture you with the wind in your hair
I'll keep your things right where you left them
I'll be here for you

Oh and I'll let you go, I'll set your free
And when you've seen what you need to see
When you find you, come back to me

And I hope you find everything that you need
I'll be right here waiting to see
You find you, come back to me

I can't get close if you're not there
I can't get inside if there's no soul there
I can't face you, I can't save you
It's something you'll have to do

So I'll let you go, I'll set you free
And when you've seen what you need to see
When you find you, come back to me
Come back to me

So I'll let you go, I'll set you free
And when you've seen what you need to see
When you find you, come back to me

And I hope you find everything that you need
I'll be right here waiting to see
You find you, come back to me

You find you, come back to me
When you find you, come back to me
When you find you, come back to me

well. i kept thinking of the lyrics when i came back. i shud stop trying to sell myself and just try to love u. this whole trying to outdo that other guy and focus on wad the hell hes doing is just gonna drive me nuts. when i play soccer. i run down the flanks, i only know how to cut and feint, some say i m one dimensional, but i guess they dont count on my explosive pace and upper body strength. i ll just play to my strengths and wad i do best. i ll try to be better, but if the winger is trying to do outdo the striker in scoring goals, then he wont concentrate on wad hes best, whereas, if he does his thing on the flanks, and gets better and better there, he may just score quite afew goals.

well. i guess the song is right. i found wad i needed to find. and i guess for me now, its just all about consistency. for you, i guess u need convincing that i m the guy for you. taking care of you and loving you cannot be seasonal, it has gotta be a lifestyle. well. i guess most important is the spiritual aspect as well. i pray and i pray i ll constantly be reminded wad God spoke to me and wad Jac prayed over me during cell. but right now, i m on overdrive. haha. throw in the God factor on a more frequent basis. and like the army song goes. I M A STEAMROLLA BABY!! lol.

fired up is awesome. but getting too smug isnt. being sorta like a celebrity and knowing all the big shots, being able to converse and speak to them openly took alot of time, adapting, hard work & convincing of capabilities and trust. so i guess i shud stop going into other domains thinking that, since i have built something in one domain, it ll apply to all the others. current score goes, plus two, minus two.

|cowpoo| 8:50 PM|

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